Am I “getting it”… or “losing it”?

Like so many people surveyed - would I give up 20 precious years of my life... years spent with my family... in exchange for thinness? I think NOT! (And I'm horrified that so many people said they WOULD!)

I don’t want to have to STRIVE towards self love… or to see it as some kind of goal that I need to achieve… or a duty or a 5-Step-Plan… or even as a list of things that I need to do every day in order force myself to somehow treat myself differently.  Initially, Beautiful Life Project started off that way.  I had lots of plans and practical tips that I thought would really… somehow… fix me – if I stuck to them, the way you stick to a diet.  But, if I’m completely honest, I have to admit that those little tips or steps haven’t made any real, significant change in my life… and especially in comparison to the mammoth change that took place during my involvement with the Tapestry of Dreams project.  I do think that small, practical changes and ideas can be helpful – but I no longer see them as any kind of guaranteed solution – or cure.

I’m like Gwyneth Paltrow!

Okay, okay… maybe not. Gwyneth Paltrow is an uber-rich, Oscar-winning celebrity who is reed-thin. I’m a not-too-rich, not-too-famous, not-entirely-thin… okay, make that fat… middle-class-mom and I couldn’t act my way out of a paper bag!

I guess the only things that Gwyneth and I have in common is that we’re both married to talented musicians — and we both have 2 kids of similar ages… girl and boy… with girl being older than boy.

AND… it so happens… that I think I have Gwyneth’s outlook on food — well, apart from the fact that she doesn’t eat “four legged creatures”, that is.

I was watching Gwyneth on Oprah a few days ago. Gwyneth exercises like a fiend in order to maintain her sylph-like figure. She doesn’t diet. She loves food too much to diet – or to have to restrict herself from desserts and french fries. So basically – she eats what she wants (within reason) – and then exercises like a mad woman – 6 days a week – to maintain her weight.

I suspect it’s the route I’m going to have to take too. I just love food too much to restrict myself to a bland menu of “diet food”. Yes – I do want to eat healthily… and I do want to cut down on the chemicals… and I do want to contain my binge-tendencies… but I still want to enjoy my food! I want to savour each bite – like the French do!

So – Heather’s Grand Change of Attitude #1:
I no longer view the gym as an evil torture chamber… designed to punish and inflict pain and suffering on poor little me.

I shall, instead, view the gym as a place of nurturing and nourishing. A place that cares for my body and me. A place where I can grow stronger, healthier and fitter by the day.

And… Heather’s Grand Change of Attitude #2:
I’m slowly opening up to the idea that it’s OKAY to actually ENJOY cooking… and enjoy eating… and enjoy entertaining. It’s possible to experiment with new dishes and new tastes without this whole “cheating” or “forbidden food” idea.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There are NO forbidden foods! There are NO ‘illegal’ foods! Silly rules & restrictions simply bring out the rebellious child in me. I choose to make wise decisions and behave like an adult around food!

Oh – and by the way – I’ve lost another 2 kilograms / 4.4 pounds. Without dieting! Without eating bland, revolting rabbit food!

Yay-Hooray! x

Not the most refined of the gym-bunnies!

One of the main reasons why I’ve avoided anything that smacks of “GYM” my whole life has more to do with insane insecurities – rather than hatred of all-things-exercise-related.

Gym… I believed… was a place for thin, healthy people. Gym was for lycra-clad ladies… and iron-pumping tough-guys. The gym change rooms mortified me; thin, buck-naked women strolling nonchalantly around… chatting to friends… discussing diets (as if they need to diet!) whilst I huddled morosely in the far corner, trying my best to change underneath a towel – (and realising fully what a silly, insecure scaredy-cat I must have looked like in the process!).

Today, I noted with pride, that I stood up without a towel (gasp!) wearing only my knickers! This was unheard of in the past (bearing in mind that the last time I went to gym was… about 5 years ago).
If I stood up whilst in the process of getting changed – it would mean that somebody might actually see (gasp!) my backside in all it’s glory – without the camouflage of clothing! I’ve always been horribly embarrassed of my bum. And yet – today – I stood up and allowed the world to view my backside!! Or rather… a lone cleaning lady who was too busy scrubbing the scale to notice (or care). Still… it’s a milestone.

For years (when at gym) – I have carefully selected the exercise equipment furtherest away from people. I didn’t want the first available treadmill. I wanted the treadmill tucked away in the corner. The one that didn’t have a rowing machine or a bicycle positioned directly behind it where an exercising person would (or so I believed) examine my jiggling arse as I puffed, wheezed and limped my way along the treadmill’s runway. I’ve always imagined that any person exercising behind me on the cardio equipment would have to be fascinated with the sight of my bum. Surely thin women would be thinking: “Sheesh! I’m glad that’s not my arse!”… and surely men would be thinking: “Sheesh! I’m glad that’s not my girlfriend’s arse!”.

As it turns out – I’ve now come to the conclusion that most people actually don’t give a shit. They’re too concerned about their own wobbly bits to worry about mine.

This belief was reinforced yesterday when I noticed a girl (fatter than me)… (treble gasp!)… who entered the gym. Nobody batted an eyelid. Nobody stared – as I assumed they would. Nobody cared. As it turns out – the people who attend gym aren’t there to stare at the bodies of other people… people at the gym are far too concerned with their own bodies to bother about the size and shape of other people. This, let me tell you, is an epiphany for me!

I haven’t quite got to the stage of using the interesting looking cardio machines with the roller-blading motion which are positioned next to the coffee bar… (think wildly exercising bums-in-motion just centimetres away from the vanilla latte)… however (!!) – I have used treadmills and stairclimber machines which are positioned directly in front of other exercising people. Again – it might not be a big deal to most people – but for me it’s an enormous milestone!

The less I care about what other people think – the better! As it is, I’m not the most refined of gym-bunnies. My sweat-towel is an old, greying nappy, for goodness sake. I have 2 gym outfits which are rotated like clockwork: a white T-shirt, a grey T-shirt. A pair of black tracksuit pants. A pair of black stretch pants. I don’t know how half the gym equipment works – but I’m not too embarrassed to ask anymore. I can only run for 1 minute stretches at a time… (well “jog” is probably more honest than “run”) – but I’m getting better! And each day, I’m improving… and the biggest surprise of all is this: I’m actually enjoying this gym experience!

Good grief – who knew!!??

Am I happy being fat?

I just wanted to clear this up so there’s no confusion: I’m not happy about the fact that I’m fat! My struggle with binge-eating has been the bane of my life for… well… most of my life. I remember bingeing from as early as 9 years old! I used to steal money from my Mom’s purse, sneak off to the shops, buy as many chocolates that I could afford (R5 could buy a lot of chocolates when I was 9!)… hide the stash under my pillow and methodically eat the lot until I felt sick enough to throw up. However, I could never manage to get myself to throw up… although I tried on a number of occasions. There was a time in my life when I sincerely envied bulimics. Sad, I know.

The Beautiful Life Project is all about loving myself right now – exactly as I am – in spite of all the stuff that needs working on… but there’s a clear distinction that needs to be made here. I’m not saying: “I’m perfect as I am – I love me!”… I’m saying: “In spite of the fact that I’m far from perfect – I am still worthy of love and respect and especially from myself!”.

The truth is, I don’t accept my fat and I’m not proud of the state of my body. Years of self-hatred, self-abuse and self-neglect have left my body in a physical state which leaves much to be desired. I have been overweight, unfit and unhealthy for years. This is not acceptable.

However, the key difference between the ways I used to treat myself 2 years ago and now is this: Instead of lecturing myself, criticizing myself and hating myself for being such a ‘failure’… such a ‘loser’… such a ‘weak-willed moron’… I now believe that I’m simply worth so much more than what I’ve allowed myself to believe over the years.

Self-respect includes the respect of one’s own body. My body is a precious, priceless creation – and I only have one body to live out this life with (and I have much to do. I have no intention of dying young!). I can’t use and abuse it until it malfunctions and then demand that God replace it with a newer, younger, healthier version… no!

If I truly love and respect myself – I will learn to love, respect, nurture and nourish this body that houses my soul. And yes – that includes losing weight, increasing my fitness and strength, eating healthily, taking care of myself from top to toe.

Do I love myself? Yes… well – at least a lot more than what I loved myself last year this time. It’s still a journey though.
Am I happy being fat? No! I deserve more than a tired, worn-out, unhealthy, unfit body.

I know that there are numerous “fat acceptance” groups out there – who proclaim that they’re happy with their bodies… that they’re happy being fat. I don’t believe them. Apart from the comments and the criticism of others… apart from being unable to fit into aeroplane seats, movie theatre seats and decent clothing… there’s still the awful physical side of being obese. Constant exhaustion…. swollen ankles… inability to walk long distances or to climb a simple flight of stairs without puffing – and I won’t even mention all of the medical woes!! I simply can’t believe that anybody could be proud or happy about being fat!?!

I remember a family member saying to me: “You should just accept the fact that you’re never going to be a supermodel. You’re a big girl – it’s how you’re built. Just accept it!”.

No flippin‘ way! I’m not expecting to be a supermodel. I have no desire to be a size 0 stick insect… but I will not “accept” the state that my body is in! I deserve more than to live out an unhealthy life in an unhealthy and overweight body! And I’m not “built this way” either. I’m fat because I’ve binged on an obscene amount of junk food in my life – not because I’m “built this way”. I’m not in denial. I got myself in to this position – and… of this you can be sure… I’m going to get myself OUT!

PS: And I’m not a “big girl”. I was a normal sized child. I have narrow shoulders, small wrists and a small waist. I’m not “built” to be big!
PPS: And I’m writing this from the gym computers again. I’ve just worked my butt off. I now visit gym every morning (except on weekends). This is only my second week here – but I feel so much more confident about ‘sticking to it’ this time… because now, I see gym as an exercise in self-love… rather than a torture session designed to punish bad weak-willed me.
PPPS: Thanks so much to those of you who have been so encouraging during my process of transformation. I appreciate you more than you could know! xx

Blog mergings and diet rantings…

I’ve decided to merge my blogs and create one blog for the Beautiful Life Project (being this one). After struggling for 2 solid days trying to get my “other blog” to publish my latest posts (unsuccessfully, I might add!)… I’ve decided just to merge the whole blimmin‘ lot. I’m sure it will make it a lot easier on everybody – myself included!

So!

OK – as many of you already know, I have lost 10 kilograms on my non-diet. It’s not hugely noticeable though. When you’re my size, you need to lose a considerable amount of weight before it’s officially “noticed” by others. (That was my little disclaimer – just in case people start saying: “She lost 10 kilograms? She doesn’t look like she lost 10 kilograms”)… (but why do I still worry so much about what people say or think about me anyway?).

For those of you who don’t know about my non-diet mentioned in earlier posts, my 10 kilogram/22 pound weight loss has everything to do with healthy eating… BUT… I only eat the healthy foods that I enjoy eating! I make sure that my meals are an enjoyable experience for me because I know… from years of experience… that feelings of deprivation almost always are followed by bingeing! Dieting-Deprivation equals “Recipe for Binge” in my book.

If one is constantly feeling deprived and resentful about the nasty rabbit food they’re forced to eat on a nasty one-size-fits-all diet… then one will NOT… I repeat NOT… be able to keep up the boring, restrictive diet in the long term!

I eat banana smoothies for breakfast (yum!)… I nibble on mini corn, baby carrots and snap peas (yum!)… I eat pasta salad – or a hearty sandwich for lunch (yum!)… and I make a special effort on healthy, appetizing suppers which do NOT make me feel deprived and “on diet”.

I will not eat grapefruit! I will not eat salmon! I will not eat celery! I will not eat asparagus! I will not eat vegetable soup! I will not eat rice cakes! I will not eat ryvita! I will not eat fishy tasting fish! I will not eat anything that tastes gross to me – and I don’t care how healthy it’s supposed to be.

(Other gross things include hard-boiled eggs, olives and innards!) Poo.

There are many, many healthy foods – including loads of fruit & veggies – which I genuinely enjoy the taste of – and it’s those items that I’ve been munching on within the past couple of weeks.

Oh… and if I have a chocolate craving (which isn’t all that often, truth be told)… then I’ll indulge the craving by eating like a normal person and buying a small kit-kat… (as opposed to giant mint aero which is what I’d easily consume in binge-mode). Moderation, moderation, moderation.

There are no “banned” foods. There are no “forbidden” foods. There are no “illegal” foods. No! Enough of that diet nonsense which makes me feel (and thus behave) like a naughty child! I’m an adult – and I reserve the right to make a couple of adult decisions about what I do (or don’t) put in my mouth. I don’t need another condescending lecture from a self-righteous diet guru… or another Food Pyramid… or another “latest diet” book… or another “miracle cure”… or another BMI chart… or blah, blah, blah….! I need to learn to love and respect my body by nourishing and nurturing it with food that is healthy and good! Bingeing on crap equals self-abuse. And I’m tired of abusing myself. It’s gone on for way too many years as it is.

OK, nuff said for today. Soooo much still to sort out and finish off!

xx

Trying to pluck up the courage…

I’ve had so many encouraging e-mails and messages from women who tell me how “brave” I am to expose myself in the ways I have been (via the 2 blogs plus the website).

I do not FEEL brave! To be honest, I feel like a great, big, nerdy chicken!

I do realize that in order for all of this to be a bona-fide “Diary of Change” – then one would need to understand what it is that I am changing FROM… and I am so scared of publishing my “Before Photos”. There are a million “What if’s” going through my head, ie…

What if my in-laws get wind of this? What if all the Greeks see my before photos and discuss in great detail… the lumpiness of my thighs… the enormity of my backside… the sheer disgracefulness of the state of my body in general…?

Am I being paranoid? I don’t think so! I’ve had so much criticism – spoken directly to my face and behind my back – over the years regarding my weight… family, friends, complete strangers… all feeling free to comment on the size of my backside – or the fact that I “COULD” be pretty — if only I were thin (feeling, somehow, as though that’s a helpful remark!?).

Another fear is that my ex-inlaws find this blog – and even worse – my ex-husband! My ex-inlaws never ceased to draw attention to my weight – my ex-mother-in-law used to ration my food intake at dinner parties and serve me the smallest portion of food (with 1 roast potato when everybody else got 3!). My ex-sister-in-law delighted in telling me how many family friends had commented on my weight gain, ie: “Peter sat next to us on the plane – and he could not believe how fat you’ve become! All the way to England, he kept saying; ‘I can’t believe it! Heather used to be so pretty! What happened?’”.

It seems as though my worth is entirely determined by a number on the scale… whether I like it or not!

I am sooo frustrated by this! I am MORE than just the Fat One. I want to shout it out to the world: “DO NOT judge this book by it’s cover before you’ve read the pages inside!” – but that’s just how the world works! I would be the happiest person alive if suddenly… miraculously… the world stopped judging people based on their exterior! But it’s not going to happen. It’s the way we’re wired. Perhaps even programmed…?

Anyway – the question is this: Why do I care so much about what people think or what people say about me? Why does it matter so much?

I don’t know. I wish it didn’t matter! But – it’s also one of the things that had me launching the SPEAK LOVE campaign. So many of us have been bludgeoned by words. My goal is to get people to think twice before they maliciously attack somebody else with their tongues.

Anyway — I just wanted to let you know – that I shall post the TRUTH – in photos… within the next day or so. There might be a few people who go: “Ewww! How could she let herself get that way?” — but I think that most women are kinder than that… bigger than that – especially judging from the awesome encouragement I’ve received from so many of you with regards to this project.

I have to update my website today and send out a newsletter – and tomorrow I will be preparing for Free-2-B-U at Fisherman’s Village… but… within the next couple of days… I promise… I’ll post “The Truth” photos.

Thanks for reading! xxx

Food, glorious food!

Here’s my no-diet menu of what I like eating on a daily basis…!

Breakfast: I love smoothies! My favourite is a strawberry & banana smoothie made from fresh strawberries, banana and fat-free strawberry yoghurt!

Lunch: One of my favourite things to eat at lunch time is 2 slices of toasted low GI bread with a smidgen of lite margarine, mashed avo with salt and pepper.

Supper: My suppers tend to vary – depending what I’m in the mood for. Today I decided to make a pasta salad with: pasta, chopped onion, chopped apple, chopped walnuts, raisins, baby peas and strips of chicken breast with a small amount of lite mayonnaise – all things that I enjoy eating – and nothing that I hate! (As to avoid feelings of deprivation!)

Snacks: My favourite has to be mini-carrots… especially when they’re sweet and fresh!