Like this:

Do you ever get tired of being defined by others as being something or somebody… who isn’t actually who you are?

Maybe I’m in a very sorry state of mind at the moment – and shouldn’t be writing any posts until I’ve had a very long sleep.  Maybe I should get a grip on myself and my feelings before I embarrass myself by ranting in a public space (ie: this blog).  But then again, maybe writing is just a healthy conduit for venting and a way that can help me sort through my own thoughts – in a healthy way.  Instead of slipping into misery – or searching for something deep-fried and sugar-coated to console myself with.

It’s at times like these when I wonder:  Who the heck is Heather?  And what the heck does Heather actually want out of life?

I’m one of those who are not afraid of change.  So much so – that I constantly crave change.  As soon as my life becomes remotely rut-like or repetitive – I go out in search of a new adventure – in search of change.  Right now – I feel that familiar twinge… that familiar thirst… a feeling that if I don’t embark on a new adventure – soon – that I shall lose myself in a thick, grey fog of expectations, duties and things I ‘ought’ to do – instead of things I yearn to do.

This… yearning… for change manifests itself in strange ways.  Last night, I decided I was sick of having long hair – and so, without further ado (or much thought), I grabbed a pair of mini craft scissors (the type that little children use to cut shapes out of gum paper) – and I chopped off my hair.  I now have a scraggy bob in place of the long locks – but hey, no regrets.  No big deal.  I’m happy not to have a hot neck.

Of course, chopping off ones hair with teeny scissors hasn’t quenched the larger thirst (for change)… at all.

I question everything.  Am I making a difference?  Am I doing anything remotely useful with my life?  Am I a social entrepreneur for the right reasons – or do I do it to fulfil some kind of deep need within myself?  Do I care about the world as much as I pretend to?  Am I vain?  Am I selfish?  Have I deluded myself into thinking that my work is important?  Why am I doing this?  It is so(!) time-consuming… so(!) emotionally draining… so (!) financially straining… so (!) exhausting…. so WHY am I doing this work?

Maybe I should quit all of my projects – and move to a remote island with Nick and my kids… and sleep in hammocks and live off coconuts?  Oh – how blissfully simple life would be!  (But, knowing me, I’d already be bored to tears by week 2 – and figuring out ways to compose music out of sea-shells or some-such-something….)

Anyway – maybe I should just go to bed now.  And sleep.  And re-charge.  And maybe I’ll be thinking with more… uh… perspective… in the morning.

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