Some of you may know a bit of my history… a bit of my story. I’ve had an eating disorder for 30 years (I’m turning 38 in November). Currently – I’m still fat (my eating disorder, by the way, is binge eating disorder… I never had the ‘discipline’ of a bullimic or an anorexic – I never mastered the ‘art’ of The Purge).
In spite of this… thorn… in my side, however. In spite of the constant ‘presence’ of my fat and my constant annoyance / revulsion / acceptance (depending on what mood I’m in) of the fat… I still live a very privileged and blessed life.
I am happily married to the most wonderful man on this planet (bias I know)… I have two gorgeous children… I’m surrounded by wonderful, supportive friends and family… I do what I love every day… and best of all, I have escaped that awful, black hole of One-Day-When land (where I squatted for so many miserable years).
My particular “One-Day-When” was this: ”One day, when I’m thin….”
- One day, when I’m thin… I’ll start liking myself again.
- One day, when I’m thin… I’ll buy myself some nice new clothes.
- One day, when I’m thin… I’ll get my hair done the way I want it.
- One day, when I’m thin… I’ll sing on stage again.
- One day, when I’m thin… I’ll have the confidence to do what I really want to do with my life.
- One day, when I’m thin… I’ll connect with old friends again.
- One day, when I’m thin… I’ll sign up for dance lessons.
- One day, when I’m thin… I’ll share my story with others.
Blah… Blah… Blah-Blah!!!
I made the decision (kudos to me!) about 2 years ago – that I was going to escape that awful place of One-Day-When (I’m thin)… and live life in the NOW!
Now… mind you… I don’t have all of my ducks in a row – and I still wear really crappy, boring clothes (mostly because I loathe all of the vile offerings in the fat-lady stores)… and I still don’t have my hair the way I want it… BUT… I have bravely managed to accomplish a number of other goals and projects whilst (gasp!) still fat!
One of these, of course, was launching Beautiful Life Project in November 2007. BLP is my ‘baby’ and I believe strongly in the principles espoused in the project’s beliefs & values. I also launched Tapestry of Dreams in 2009 – and forced my (not so small) bum up on that stage and sang in front of all those people… in SPITE OF my insecurities and my unhappiness with the state of my body!
10 beautiful Role Models from Tapestry of Dreams... plus me.
Doing my thing and thanking all of the volunteers at the Tapestry of Dreams SHINE! show - November 2009
I have made this decision: To hell with One-Day-When Land… I’ve wasted way too much precious life One-Day-When’ning!!!!
I’m living in the NOW – fat and all! I have to learn to love and respect “me” – right NOW… instead of waiting, waiting, waiting for that miraculous day in the future when I might be thin… so that I might be able love and respect myself ‘then’.
And, so I’m forging ahead with lots to do and lots to share. Tapestry of Dreams is in it’s next phase with all kinds of exciting plans (this time, I’m off to New York to discuss crazy-wild plans for Africa with some other crazy-wild dreamers in the Big Apple)… and then in August I’m going to Mozambique with a bunch of world-changers for brainstorming and planning in the middle of the bush. And I’m finishing off the ToD doccie… and writing songs for an album that I’ve been wanting to record for my whole life… finishing off the BLP Pocket Diary (including the Teen version)… working on a book and a blog with my sister… and preparing for a conference for girls (sponsored by Cell C) in Cape Town, in late September.
My life is full, varied and beautiful.
Sure, I might have to endure a long and uncomfortable flight to the US in a way-too-small plane seat. And I might huff-and-puff if we go on any kind of walks in the wilds of Mozambique. And I might hate every item of clothes in my cupboard… but is any of this reason enough to hide myself away in the shadows again?
With confidence I can say: absolutely not!!!!
So… I continue fighting this eating disorder (some days I win, other days I lose)… and every day, making tiny advances towards that person… that reflection… in my bathroom mirror… learning to love her… one step at a time… right now… exactly as she is.
