The other day, a friend of mine made a good point.  She said that, although the work I’ve been doing with Tapestry of Dreams was great and commendable… if I was neglecting myself in the process – I will have missed the whole point.  And she was right.  I have been neglecting myself (again!!!) and making the excuse to myself that I’m just too flippin’ busy to actually take time out and treat myself with some love and respect.

Truth is, I’m exhausted with these projects right now!  There are so many important tasks that I haven’t managed to focus on or get done, because I’m desperately trying to pull this project together to benefit everybody else.  This blog, for one, has taken a knock.  I’ve always enjoyed blogging and connecting with other people – but this has taken a back seat during this busy time with Tapestry of Dreams.

Don’t get me wrong – I absolutely love working on Tapestry…  it’s challenging, it’s fulfilling and it gives me such a thrill to see lives changed through this process.  But still… it takes its toll, and especially when I don’t care for myself… (ie: eat crappy food, don’t get enough sleep, treat my body with no respect, work too many hours without taking time off, etc).

So, yesterday, I went to visit my sister, Suzanne – who manages a “Lola Montez” store (which the prude side of me is still trying to come to terms with – but, more about that later)… and attached to Sue’s store was a salon called Amani Nail Beautique. Suzanne decided to treat me to a pedicure there… and after some weak, initial objections about the embarrassing state of my feet – I agreed.

They have these huge, puffy leather chairs there… like a big Lay-Z-Boy… and the chair massages your back, neck and shoulders while you soak your feet in a foot spa (also part of this fancy chair).  They have a big TV up on the wall – so you could choose the channel you want to watch while you’re pampered – but, in my case, I was chatting to my sister.  They brought me endless cups of coffee while I sat there and received a magnificent pedicure and foot massage, and I’m now so proud of my pretty feet (and painted toes).  I’m wearing dainty slip slops today, so I can continue to admire my toes!

The last time I received a pedicure (and this is no lie) was 9 years ago.  And I have to wonder:  WHY? Why do I feel that it’s exorbitant and wasteful to spend any money on pamper moments or pamper products for me?  It’s almost like I feel guilty having a massage, a manicure or a pedicure when I ’should be working’…  problem is, I’m always thinking:  “I should be working!”… even on weekends and evenings and public holidays.

A part of me is even scared to share this with other people, because I’m so convinced that somehow… some way… people will agree and say:  “You’re not worthy, Heather!”. It’s silly and wasteful! It’s vain and self-obsessed! (These, I embarrassingly confess, are the nasty thoughts that lurk, far at the back of my mind).

I wonder if my mother has anything to do with this?  Throughout our lives, my Mom seemed to pride herself on the fact that she was never wasteful with money… (in spite of the fact that my father earned a very good salary and that she had the liberty to spend… if she wanted to).  I can’t remember – throughout my childhood and teen years… my Mom ever spending any kind of money on HER.  She occasionally purchased new clothes (at the cheapest possible prices).  And if she ever bought beauty products – it was always the inexpensive face cream on the supermarket shelves… or the stuff you use to dye your own hair.   If she received pamper products, it was always as gifts from friends… on birthday or Christmas.  She never treated herself to jewelry, quality perfume, decent shoes, beautiful underwear or lingerie… nothing.  She spent the bare, bare minimum amount of money on herself.  I think, in some weird kind of way, for some weird kind of reason – she believed it was ‘the-right-thing-to-do’.

To this day, it continues.  She still believes that it’s wasteful to splurge on herself… or to buy pricey, quality items just for HER.  Make no mistake, she, like any woman, loves spa treatments and salon pamperings… however, she’ll never pay for these services out of her own pocket.  She sees these as rare, special occasions that come around once every couple of years (usually when a friend donates a spa voucher as a birthday gift).

And I have to wonder… if I haven’t somehow, adopted these beliefs from her.  I, too, seldom spend money on myself.  Close friends know my wardrobe all too well – because it’s the same boring, crappy clothes… again and again…  and I’ll wear stuff until it’s holey and falling to bits before I eventually throw it out.  I feel some kind of weird self-justification that I’m not like ‘those other women who are always at the salon’… or ‘those other women who are always buying new clothes for themselves’... and I tell people (proudly) that my most expensive spending vice is magazines.  I don’t buy make-up.  I don’t buy clothes.  I don’t go to beauty salons or spas.  I don’t buy shoes.  I seldom visit the hairdresser (maybe once a year).  I don’t buy jewelry.  I don’t buy expensive skin creams or beauty products.  And a part of me, deep-deep down… feels smugly self-righteous about all of this!?  W-H-Y???

Anyway – while I dig within myself to get to the bottom of these issues… I have promised my sister that I will, at least, go for a regular pedicure – and that I’ll start taking better care of my feet at home.

I have a foot-spa, given to me as a Christmas present, gathering dust somewhere.

Time, perhaps, for me to dust it off and use it.